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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_0eINGyJHz8

I'm sorry - but this has to be the funniest thing I have seen in absolutely ages..

A monastary in the English Countryside was having a hard time with its cash flow because of the dwindling number of monks available to help with all the work.

Then one day two of the monks start talking and suggest opening a fish and chip stand down on the highway, right next to a scenic vista area popular with tourists. They discuss this with the other monks and they all agreed.

One day a tourist wanting to offer a compliment asked the monk serving:

'Are you the fish friar?'

'No sir' retorted the brother. 'I am the chip monk'

From cartoon caption competitions:

1) The picture shows a one armed bandit with its arm down, and a great heap of money spilling out of the tray at the bottom. Near it are three little green men, and the spaceship they have come out of. One of the little green men is cowering in fear, looking askance at the one armed bandit. Caption : "I just shook his hand and he was sick."

2) One for voters with long memories: the picture shows a group of knights in shining armour standing on a beach, with their Lord in the centre. Another knight kneels before his Lord, presenting him with a dead animal. The Lord is saying: "You fool, that's not Norman Scott's dog!"

Little Tommy was mad about tractors, toys, games, wallpaper, bed spread you name it he had it. On Christmas he asked his dad for a tractor.

"You're too young for a tractor, but I will see what I can do"

Christmas Day arrived and little Tommy opened all his presents, a large one in the corner he left till last. It was a tactor with pedals.

Tommy spent all day and night on his favourite toy.

A few years later and Tommy asked his dad for a tractor for Christmas.

"You're still too young for a tractor but I'll see what I can do", came the reply again.

Christmas day arrive dagain and Tommy opened his presents, a large one he left till last. It was a tractor with a little battery operated engine. He loved it, all day and night he was on his tractor.

A few years later he asked his dad for a tractor for Christmas.

"Well Tommy" said his father, "You are still too young for a real tractor and a bit too old for a toy, but I'll see what I can do"

Christmas Day came and Tommy opened all his presents, but no tractor.

"Where's my tractor" asked Tommy

"Don't worry Tommy" came the reply from his father, "I've spoken with the farmer down the lane and he will teach you how to drive the tractor"

After school every day Tommy would get home from school and go down to the farmers to drive the teactor and plough the fields. He even got paid for it. One day he was driving the tractor in the fields when he went down a ditch and cracked his head on the steering wheel.

Tommy was in a coma for months. Eventually he was allowed home.

He now despises everything about tractors. All his toys have been thrown away, all posters ripped up. The can't stand them.

One day he was walking dowm the road when he noticed a small fire in a building and a young woman trapped inside. Quickly Tommy rushed over and started to blow at the fire and wave his arms. He had put out the fire.

On arrival the fire officer asked a passer by what had happened.

"That young man put it out", came the reply

The fire officer approached Tommy and asked how he had done it.

" I just blew on the flames and huffed and puffed as hard as I could"

"Yes but how did you do it" enquired the fire officer

"Easy I am an extractor fan!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QucJvw4rbk8&NR=1

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old f*rt, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it. you're all washed up and I am taking over.” The old rooster says, "'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse and whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with US OLD F*RTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

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None participant

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I’m fine thank you

There is nothing the matter with me
I’m as healthy as can be
I have arthritis in both knees
And when I talk I wheeze
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in

Arch supports I have for my feet
Or I wouldn’t be able to stand in the street
Sleep is denied me night after night
But every morning I find I’m all right
My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well my ‘get up and go’ has ‘got up and went’
But I really don’t mind when I think with a grin
Of all the grand places my ‘get up’ has bin

Old age is golden I’ve heard it said
But I sometimes wonder as I get into bed
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup
My eyes on the table until I wake up
Ere sleep overtakes me I say to myself
Is there anything else I could put on the shelf?

I get up each morning and dust off my wits
And pick up the paper and read the ‘Obits’
If my name is still missing I know I’m not dead
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed

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Non participant

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NEWSFLASH

A Woman has been found assaulted with a vaccum cleaner

Police say even though she is badly injured in hospital
She is picking up nicely


hehehehehe

Thats my fav joke EVER!

Groan! Very good though.

Sorry about the length of this list. Some one asked me to shorten it and I said...

I'd love to, but... I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'd love to, but... I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'd love to, but... I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
I'd love to, but... I feel a song coming on.
I'd love to, but... I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I'd love to, but... I have to check the sell-by dates on my dairy products.
I'd love to, but... I have to fulfil my potential.
I'd love to, but... I have to jog my memory.
I'd love to, but... I have to rotate my crops.
I'd love to, but... I have to study for a blood test.
I'd love to, but... I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
I'd love to, but... I just picked up a book called "How to make Glue" and I can't put it down.
I'd love to, but... I left my body in my other clothes.
I'd love to, but... I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but... I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'd love to, but... I'll never find a parking space.
I'd love to, but... I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'd love to, but... I'm being deported.
I'd love to, but... I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I'd love to, but... I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'd love to, but... I'm going through chocolate withdrawal symptoms.
I'd love to, but... I'm going to be old someday.
I'd love to, but... I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I'd love to, but... I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I'd love to, but... I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to, but... I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'd love to, but... I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'd love to, but... I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I'd love to, but... I'm plotting to take over the world.
I'd love to, but... I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'd love to, but... I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
I'd love to, but... I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but... I'm trying to cut down.
I'd love to, but... I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'd love to, but... I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I'd love to, but... I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'd love to, but... It wouldn't be fair to everyone else.
I'd love to, but... I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I'd love to, but... I've got a meeting with my Fan Club.
I'd love to, but... My bathroom tiles need grouting.
I'd love to, but... My crayons all melted together.
I'd love to, but... My favourite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but... My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
I'd love to, but... My palm reader advised against it.
I'd love to, but... My patent is pending.
I'd love to, but... My subconscious says no.
I'd love to, but... My uncle escaped again.
I'd love to, but... My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
I'd love to, but... None of my socks match.
I'd love to, but... The last time I went, I never came back.
I'd love to, but... The man on television told me to stay tuned.
I'd love to, but... The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
I'd love to, but... There are important world issues that need worrying about.
I'd love to, but... There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'd love to, but... Well, maybe.
I'd love to, but... You know how we psychos are.

...oh, go on then, I've cut one out.

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I am closing this thread as it has got very large. It will be left for others to view and have a good laugh at. Keep them coming and post any new jokes in the new 'Joke' thread.