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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 406
Points: 254
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The real ones can be even more funny escafeld!!
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 5/1/2008
Posts: 124
Points: 293
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One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.
http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/4330/all
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 1
Points: 3
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O lny srmat poelpe can ra ed this.
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rgh it pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?! Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed th is psas it on !!
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/11/2008
Posts: 1
Points: 3
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Here's a good one with a bit of relevance! A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in IT," says the balloonist. "I do," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must work in Management". "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault." 
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 406
Points: 254
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Very funny!!! 
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/11/2008
Posts: 2
Points: -91
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Sorry i this joke is already here... This is one of my favourites...
A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk becasue of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.
The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complemnt the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.
A few days later he recieved a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple!
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/11/2008
Posts: 2
Points: -91
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A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something.”
Taxi driver says “Not your fault Sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hears* for the past 25 years”.
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 406
Points: 254
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/11/2008
Posts: 1
Points: 3
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What do you call a laid-back Frenchman in sandals?
Philippe Pheloppe.... (flip-flop....) !
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/13/2008
Posts: 1
Points: 3
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Just to keep with the balloon theme...
Once upon a time there were 3 balloons, a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a baby balloon.
Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, the mummy balloon said
"Tonight you must stay in your own bed".
When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep the baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.
But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he undid the bottom of his mummy and let tiny bit air out of her. But to his dismay he still couldn't fit in, so he crept round to his daddy's side of the bed and undid his daddy's knot and let a little bit of air out. Again he tried to squeeze in but still couldn't quite fit. So he undid hiself and let a little bit of air out. Then he fitted in nice and snugly and fell sound asleep.
When his mum woke up she was furious!
"Get into your own room at once and think of what you have done young man!" she shouted
"I am so dissappointed in you! Not only have you let me down and your father down, you've let yourself down too!"
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Rank: Administration
Groups: Administration
, Fans of England
Joined: 11/28/2007
Posts: 160
Points: -1,734
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inspired!
Northy Enjoy England Web Team
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 5/1/2008
Posts: 124
Points: 293
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Some cracking jokes! HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOU ARE GETTING OLD. 1. Everything hurts – but what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work. 2. Your children begin to look middle aged. 3. You join a health club, but don’t go. 4. A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge. 5. You have all the answers but no one asks you the question. 6. You look forward to a dull evening. 7. You need your glasses to find your glasses. 8. You turn out the light for economy instead of romance. 9. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t make it go. 10. Your knees buckle but your belt won’t. 11. Your back goes out more than you do. 12. You put your bra on back to front and it fits better. 13. Your house is too big and your medicine cupboard too small. 14. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 15. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/4330/all
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 406
Points: 254
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Rank: Level 3: Morris Dancer
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/9/2008
Posts: 7
Points: 21
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A man was boasting to a friend about how clever his dog is, making increasingly outlandish claims about how it'd take itself out for a walk, bringing the paper back from the shop and that it was so bright, it could almost talk.
The friend was dubious about the man's honesty. "Fine!" Says the man, "I'll show you".
He goes and fetches a photo album and the friend flicks through."Hang on... these are your daughter's wedding pics" says the friend, "the dog isn't in a single one".
The man replies... "Well, someone had to hold the camera".
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 1
Points: 3
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A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want an ordinary pet - no cats, dogs, budgies,. I want something really different."
The owner tells him that he has a talking centipede.
"Seriously?"
"Absolutely. You can bring it back if it doesn't talk"
"How much is it?"
"£200"
"OK, but it had better talk or I'll be back!" And off the man goes with his centipede in a little box
On getting home he opens the box on the table, and says
"Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede says nothing.
Thinking it might be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for
An hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede,
fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede again says nothing.
Now very suspicious, the man decides he will give it one more hour. If the centipede doesn't talk he'll take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr Centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?"
The centipede gives him a withering look and says "I heard you the first time! I'm just putting my shoes on!"
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 1/3/2008
Posts: 406
Points: 254
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Rank: Level 3: Morris Dancer
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/9/2008
Posts: 7
Points: 21
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OK, here's one especially suited to this site that you guys might like...
Two tourists are driving through the beautiful country of England when they reach the delightful town of Loughbrough. They start arguing about the correct pronunciation of the town.
"It's pronounced 'Low-brugh'" says the husband. "Don't be silly" replies his wife, "It's 'Luff-bo-row'".
They carry on back and forth until deciding to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the husband asks the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The girl leans over the counter and says. . . . . .
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing."
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 5/1/2008
Posts: 124
Points: 293
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That's a good 'un Rocket, I've not heard that one before. JOKE Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.
http://www.geograph.org.uk/profile/4330/all
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Rank: Level 3: Morris Dancer
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/9/2008
Posts: 7
Points: 21
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If only a strong gust of wind would come along and put out the fire, everyone could make a wish!
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Rank: Level 1: New in Town
Groups: Fans of England
Joined: 7/18/2008
Posts: 1
Points: 3
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Why women should avoid a girls' night out after they are married!..
Last week I was invited to a night out with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to avoid an argument with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 'Midnight'. He didn't seem angry at all. Whew! Got away withthat one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock".
When I asked him why?, he said,"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh. F#%*.',cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and tripped over the coffee table and farted."
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