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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
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I heard this joke the other day - and it struck a chord with me! So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok? There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna take that day off! Anybody else got any good jokes or bad ones?? 
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Hope my boss does not see this joke! Particularly as I want to ask for another day off. I am no good with jokes. Everytime I hear a great joke I always think I must remember it and I never can. 
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." 
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
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According to research conducted by a University of Hertfordshire Professor by the name of Richard Wiseman that is the funniest joke in Britain... have you been cheating chorth?  Here is the (apparently) world's funniest joke... Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" For more about this experiment check out the Laughlab site
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Very funny!!! I am another one who hears jokes and can never remember them - so I shall have to start writing them down.
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
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Well done all! This is a good 'un, stick with it. *********** Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead?!" "Whoa, what the heck happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go, that's terrible!" "No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him." "Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!" "No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him." "Man, what a way to go!" "No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him." "Now that is one awful way to go!" "No no, he survived that..." "Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?" "I shot him!" "You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "He was wrecking my house."
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
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Love it!
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That is excellent!!
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We are running a competition for the best joke on this forum. The one that makes us laugh the loudest will win a Virgin Champagne Balloon Flight for two so think of your funniest joke and share it with us. To post on the forum log in or register as a new user by clicking on the links at the top of the page. Just remember to keep it clean!  Thanks, Pete Wed Editor - Enjoy England Web Team
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katie1 wrote:I heard this joke the other day - and it struck a chord with me! So you want a day off huh? Well, let’s just take a look at what you’re asking for ok? There are 365 days per year, making that 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, leaving just 261 days available for work. Since you already spend 16 hours each day away from work you’ve used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days left to work. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks which accounts for 23 days each year, now leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch break each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. Look, we generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna take that day off! Anybody else got any good jokes or bad ones?? ha
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Remember to keep it clean To post on the forum log in or register as a new user by clicking on the links at the top of the page. The joke that makes us laugh loudest wins a Virgin Champagne Balloon Flight for two!
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious! NOTE - I don't wish to participate in your competition, just keep the thread going.
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
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Come on you lot, get posting. Joke
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home right now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.Non participant in the competition.
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Rank: Level 12: Royalty
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Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
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Rank: Level 11: Knights who say Ni
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Nice one lola, I can relate to that ...and this, which had me laughing for ages. Been there, done that. How to give a cat a pill. 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's fore arm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. I0) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard. Close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Get spouse to drive you to Casualty. Sit quietly whilst doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Non participant in the competition.
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Hi Escafeld. I feel like I know that one - have you ever tried to give a pill to a duck? (unfortunately I am not joking)
Here are my two jokes:
Joke 1
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful."
When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"
Joke 2
A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was.
"39 and holding," she replied.
"Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
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